The IFS Perspective on Forgiveness

It is a misconception that Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy opposes forgiveness. Instead, IFS aims to promote self-compassion and understanding toward all parts of oneself, which can naturally lead to forgiveness. The "dangers" often associated with forgiveness arise when it's pursued externally before an internal process of healing has occurred.

In the IFS framework, forcing forgiveness can be dangerous because it can bypass the needs of wounded parts. A common scenario is when a part of a person wants to forgive someone who has caused them pain, but other parts are not ready. This can be a protector part that fears letting down its guard, or an exile that is still holding onto anger, grief, or shame. Forcing forgiveness in this state can be a form of self-abandonment, and it can cause internal conflict and further entrench the protective parts.

Dangers of Premature Forgiveness

1. Bypassing the Pain

Attempting to forgive before the pain has been acknowledged and processed can be a form of spiritual or emotional bypassing. This is especially true when a person is encouraged to "just forgive and move on." This can cause the protective parts to double down on their efforts, leading to increased emotional dysregulation, or it can cause a person to repress their true feelings, which can lead to resentment and emotional turmoil later on.

2. Reinforcing a Victim Narrative

When a person forgives without first understanding the actions and motivations of all their parts, they may unknowingly reinforce a victim narrative. A part of them may believe that they are powerless and that they must forgive to regain control. This can prevent them from accessing their inner strength and self-leadership, which are essential for true healing.

3. Masking True Feelings

Forgiveness can be used as a way to avoid uncomfortable emotions like anger, sadness, or grief. Instead of processing these feelings, a person may use forgiveness as a way to quickly escape them. This can prevent the exiles from being seen and heard, and it can lead to them being further burdened with pain and shame.

4. Self-Abandonment

Forgiving someone who has caused you pain can be a form of self-abandonment if it is not done with the full consent of all your parts. A part of you may feel that you are betraying it by letting go of the anger and resentment it holds. This can lead to a feeling of being unsafe, as your protective parts will feel that you are not prioritising their well-being.

The Path to IFS-Informed Forgiveness

The path to forgiveness in IFS is not a destination, but a process of internal healing. It's about approaching your parts with curiosity and compassion, and allowing them to be heard and understood. The goal is to unburden the parts that are carrying the pain and to help them release their burdens. When a part is unburdened, it will naturally let go of its need to protect, and forgiveness may become a natural consequence of that healing.

True forgiveness, from an IFS perspective, is an internal process that happens when a person is in a state of Self-energy. It's not something you do to someone else, but something that happens within you. It's about letting go of the need to hold on to the past and finding a sense of peace within yourself.

In summary, forcing forgiveness can be dangerous because it can bypass the needs of your wounded parts. Instead, the IFS approach is to foster an internal environment of compassion and understanding, which can naturally lead to forgiveness when all parts are ready.

An Example: Forgiving a Parent

Let’s imagine a person named Alex who wants to forgive their father for being emotionally distant during childhood. A typical approach might be for Alex to tell their father, "I forgive you." However, an IFS-informed process would look very different.

Step 1: Witnessing and Unblending

First, Alex would get into a Self-led state, which means they are calm, compassionate, and curious. From this state, they would turn their attention inward to the parts of them that are connected to their father's emotional distance.

Alex might find several parts:

• A young, sad part that still feels lonely and unloved. This is an exile—a part holding the core pain.

• An angry, resentful part that protects the sad part by holding a grudge against the father. This is a protector.

• A critical part that blames Alex for not being "good enough" to get their father's attention. This is another type of protector, often called a manager.

The goal of this step is to simply witness these parts without judgment, acknowledging their presence and their feelings.

Step 2: Hearing the Parts' Stories

Next, Alex would give each part a voice. They might ask the sad part, "What do you need me to know? What happened to you?" The sad part might reveal the deep loneliness of a child longing for a father’s affection. Then, Alex would turn to the angry part, asking, "What are you afraid would happen if we let go of this anger?" The angry part might explain that it’s afraid that if Alex forgives their father, they will be hurt again, or that the pain will be invalidated. The critical part might share its belief that if Alex had been different, the father would have been more loving.

This step is about listening with compassion to the stories, feelings, and fears of each part. The focus is on understanding, not on changing anything.

Step 3: Unburdening the Exiles

Once the parts feel heard and understood, they can begin to unburden. The angry part might realise it doesn't need to hold the grudge anymore because Alex, now in a Self-led state, is there to protect the sad part. The critical part might release its false belief that it’s Alex’s fault.

Then, Alex can directly address the sad, lonely exile. Alex might ask, "What do you need to release this pain?" The part might ask to be held, to be told it was not its fault, or to be seen and loved for who it is, exactly as it is. This is the core of the healing process. Alex can offer this comfort from their Self-energy, and the part can release the feelings of loneliness and unworthiness it has carried for so long.

The Result: Forgiveness as a Natural Consequence

After this internal work, the feelings toward the father change naturally. The angry part no longer needs to protect by holding a grudge, and the sad part is no longer carrying the burden of loneliness alone. Alex may feel a sense of peace or release.

Forgiveness, in this model, isn't something Alex does to their father but an internal state that emerges from the healing of their own parts. It's a natural unburdening, not a forced action. This process honours and heals the self first, which is the most authentic path to true forgiveness.

What could have resulted if Alex had held onto the resentment

Holding onto resentment can have significant adverse effects on the body and mind. It puts the body in a chronic state of "fight-or-flight," leading to a continuous flood of stress hormones that disrupt various bodily systems. This can cause both short-term and long-term health problems. Every time Alex thought of his father, there was potential for a cascade of physical and emotional effects.

Physical Effects

The body's constant state of high alert due to resentment can lead to a range of physical issues.

• Cardiovascular Strain: Chronic anger and resentment are linked to elevated heart rate and blood pressure, which increases the risk of heart disease, heart attack, and stroke over time.

  
  

• Weakened Immune System: The constant release of stress hormones, particularly cortisol, can suppress the immune system, making a person more susceptible to infections and illnesses.

  
  

• Digestive Issues: The "fight-or-flight" response shunts blood away from the digestive system, which can lead to problems like indigestion, acid reflux, and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

  
  

• Sleep Disturbances: The mental and emotional agitation associated with resentment often makes it difficult to relax and fall asleep, contributing to insomnia and poor-quality sleep.

  
  

• Chronic Pain and Tension: Holding onto negative emotions can manifest as physical tension, leading to muscle stiffness and pain, especially in the neck, shoulders, and back, as well as chronic headaches.

  
  

Psychological and Emotional Effects

Resentment is a psychological burden that can significantly impact mental health and well-being.

• Increased Anxiety and Depression: Constant rumination on past hurts can trap a person in a cycle of negative thoughts, which is a significant risk factor for developing anxiety disorders and depression.

  
  

• Damaged Relationships: Resentment erodes trust and can lead to a breakdown in communication. It often results in passive-aggressive behaviour or emotional withdrawal, which strains relationships with loved ones and can lead to social isolation.

  
  

• Stunted Personal Growth: When you're fixated on a past grievance, you can become stuck in a victim mentality, preventing you from moving forward and embracing new opportunities for happiness and growth.

  
  

• Cognitive Impairment: The stress and emotional turmoil of resentment can impair cognitive functions, such as memory and decision-making skills. The mind is so preoccupied with the past that it struggles to be present and think clearly.

If you are bothered by a past issue like Alex was, connect with me to start healing.

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